Anniversary

One year had passed since Lily Evans was killed. A chilling breeze welcomed Severus as he stepped out from the Entrance Hall and into the foggy All Hallows' morning. He had managed one hour of sleep the night before, his mind constantly reminding him of the woman he loved and of the death that he had unwittingly caused. He could hear her screams and taste her fear until his entire body was shuddering. He had tried to cry, hoping it would provide release, but the needed tears would not come.  He had finally admitted defeat, rising from his sweat-soaked bed with weary limbs.

The grounds were silent as he walked along wet grass and muddy turf. Images of Lily's serene face and bright eyes pierced through the dense fog until he felt she was all around him, almost strangling him with regret. He gasped, his lungs filling with icy air. His heart was pounding so fast that it seemed it was trying to beat his soul. He wished some angel would descend upon him now, pulling his soul from his tired bones to be with Lily. He knew, though, that this was a hopeless wish. Should an angel steal his soul away now, it would not be taken to Lily, but to a far more sinister apparition. He had so many amends to make with Lily's spirit that it would take a lifetime to complete them, and his life was still so young. He continued walking, and the swirling fog danced, ghostlike, around him.

He wasn't certain where he was walking, but he was glad that the morning was foggy, as he felt safe and enveloped within its heavy embrace.  In this haze no one could see the dark shadows around his eyes, nor hear the soft whimpers that escaped from his mouth.  He walked without conscious will, his veins hot and heavy in his thin body.  He had lost so much weight since Lily died.  He could see his bones push out against his pale skin, making him feel like the living dead.  Hell, he was the living dead.  What was left in this life?  Without Lily, without love, how could he go on?

The fog lifted slightly, allowing Severus to see where he was going.  To his surprise, Severus found himself in the pine grove that he and Lily had so often visited as students.  Lily had loved the thick, syrupy scent of the needles.  Severus had appreciated how Lily's eyes grew even greener against the foresty backdrop.  They had both been here so many times before, studying, talking, even fighting.  His mind heavy with memories, Severus sank to the ground and drew his cloak tightly around himself.  He touched his lips to the muddy, fallen needles and inhaled their familiar odor.  A light snow began to fall.  Like a rush of icy wind, old memories flooded Severus' mind.

*************

"Sev!  Sev, look at this!"  

Lily's voice rang crisp and sweetly through the pine grove.  Severus looked up from a heavy Potions volume, his hair tangled in the spring breeze.  

"Is it important? I'm studying, Lil."

Lily giggled: glorious music to Severus' ears.

"You are not studying, Severus Snape.  That's your mom's book, not the fifth-year dribble they give us."

"Alright, Lily, I'm not studying.  I'm working on a new potion."

"I know."

"You know?  How?  I didn't tell you."

"Yes, I realise that.  I was quite hurt, too, when I found out you were hiding it from me."

"So how'd you find out?  I haven't told a soul."

Lily stood up straighter and tossed her hair.  For a moment, Severus was mesmerised by its brightness.  Lily had discovered years ago that her hair changed shades of red based on her moods.  She must be very delighted today, with locks so brilliant.  

"What are you staring at, Sev?"

"N-nothing.  But I believe I asked you how you found out about my potion.  As I said, I haven't told a soul."

Lily looked proud.  She thumped her heart lightly with her fist.

"MY soul always knows, Sev.  Last week you stumbled in Herbology, remember?  And I broke your fall?  When you're that close, Severus, I KNOW.  I know your thoughts and feelings."

Severus flushed as red as Lily's hair.  Their ability to read each others' souls frightened him as much as it pleased him.  He was constantly worried that Lily would discover his feelings for her.  He had been practicing Occlumency lately, solely for the purpose of preventing Lily from discovering his secret.  She was clever, though.  She would find out someday.

"Severus, for heaven's sake, look at me!  Your mind is a million miles away.  I can't even read it."

Lily laughed, but underneath her smile was a shadow of worry.  She seemed almost frightened that she couldn't read her friend's feelings that day.  Severus breathed a sigh of relief.  His Occlumency must be working.  Before he could think of it anymore, however, Lily had grasped his hand and pulled him towards a tall and knotted pine.  

"Look," she whispered, almost reverently.  

Severus followed her gaze to a small nest tucked in a branch.  

"It's a birds' nest.  What of it?"

It's a Woodlark's nest."

For an instant, Severus didn't know what Lily was referring to.  With a flash of realization he realised: the Woodlark, so rare in Scotland, contained a special power in its eggs, exactly the fluid Severus needed for his spell.  

"Lily, you're a miracle!" he said, clasping his hands together in delight.  "This is the last ingredient I need!"

"But you wouldn't really use the eggs ... you wouldn't, right, Severus?"

"Of course I would, Lily!  I have to, this is it, this is the last ingredient!  Besides, if you didn't want me to use the eggs, why did you show me the nest?"

Lily's eyes filled with tears.  They grew greener than the pines around them.  

"I don't know, Sevvy.  I just thought - well, I don't know.  I thought you'd be happy to see the Woodlark.  I mean, it's rare, so ... I thought you would wait and see if an egg didn't hatch and then use it."

"But I can't wait, I have to finish the potion before Potter finds out about it.  You can understand, right, Lil?"

Lily drew away from him, looking unusually small and helpless.  Filled with regret but still excited, Severus reached into the nest and pocketed an egg.  Lily gasped.

"You would do anything to get ahead of Potter, wouldn't you?"

She reached a defiant hand into Severus' pocket and withdrew the egg.

"Lily, no!  Give it back!"

Severus reached for the egg and Lily jumped backwards.  Before either could think, the precious egg flew from Lily's hand and landed on the ground between them.  It broke, spilling its contents on the grass.  Inside lay a small Woodlark embryo.  Lily's face fell and she sank to the grass in tears.  Feeling genuinely distressed at his own actions, Severus knelt beside her and held her in his arms.

"Why did you do that, Sev?  Can't you see that all life is important?  Not just your own?  ALL life, Severus!"

Lily ran her fingers through the yoke of the egg, her tears mixing rapidly with it.  Severus pulled her tighter and breathed warmly into her neck.  

"I'm so sorry, Lil.  I am.  I promise."

Lily looked deeply into his eyes, and in that moment Severus let his guard slip.  That moment was enough: Lily knew his secret.

"Oh ..." she breathed, fingering his long hair gently and sadly.  "I see."

She lingered close to Severus, and for a moment he thought she would kiss him.  He waited for a response.  Tentatively, he brushed Lily's face with unsteady fingers.  Lily tensed up.  Pulling away, she stood and brushed her hands across her skirt.  With a slight shiver, she started to walk away.  Severus felt his heart jump.  He started after her.

"Lily, I'm sorry - I'm sorry I broke the egg and I'm sorry I love you!  Are you happy?  I'm sorry!"

Lily turned and gazed at him.  She seemed at a loss for words.  Then, a tear escaped from her eye and she turned so quickly that Severus almost thought she had apparated.  Within seconds, she was out of sight.  

Collapsing onto the cool spring ground, Severus felt his heart break.  He sobbed openly into the grass and fallen pine needles.

*********

Returning to the present, Severus felt his body shaking and his head aching.  He finally allowed his tears to come, and they fell from his eyes like a torrent of rain.  He dug his fingers into the snowy mud and drew in a long, deep sigh.

"Lily, I'm sorry," he cried against the dirt, "I'm sorry, Lily, I'm sorry."

He pounded his fists in the earth and was hit by flecks of mud.  

"I'm sorry I killed you, and I'm sorry I loved you," he screamed into the morning air.

"Lily, I love you!  Come back, Lily, please come back to me!"

His tears hot against his frozen face, Severus wept, crying Lily's name until his voice was raw.  After some time had passed, he felt a warm hand against his shoulder.

"Lily?" he choked, trembling.

"No, Severus.  Not Lily.  Now come inside before you catch your death."

Severus looked up to find that the fog had lifted.  Instead of the green eyes he desired, he peered into clear blue ones.

"Good morning, Severus."

"Good morning, Albus."

Silently and knowingly, Dumbledore put his arm around Severus and walked him back to the castle.  Behind them, their footprints were quickly covered with snow.  Nothing but the ghost of memories remained in the lonely grove of pines.